I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
