I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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