i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
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