I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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