I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Girls should come with a carfax report
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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