trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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