I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
