I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
