So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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