Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
