bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
