Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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