that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
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If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.