We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
