fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
