I'm lost and stupid without you.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
