i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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