he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
