You smell like stripper and shame
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
