3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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