I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
