K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
