i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
