At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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