I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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