how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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