Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
