and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
