this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
you made out with another girl for some wings
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
