Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Green mimosas i think yes
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
