Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
My apartment stinks of burning failure
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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