Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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