What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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