Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
