I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
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I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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