and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
