you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
