Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
