apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
