My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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