dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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