I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
