I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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