I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
