I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
