Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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