I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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