I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
