I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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