Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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