My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
