remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
