there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
