I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
