Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
