Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
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My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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