so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
