So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
