I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
