Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At least life still wants to fuck me.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
